Why is my first update of 2019, coming out so late?
A lot has happened since December …

I used to be good at sending out updates; every 27th of the month, or within a few days at least. One of my goals is to get back on track and keep you apprised of the happenings in Papua New Guinea and with me. 

I didn’t plan to be in America right now. This is not how life was supposed to go…

Let’s go back in time for a bit…

I am so grateful that I was able to be in Cairns, Australia for the Christmas holiday. It was really nice to spend time out of Papua New Guinea, and to be with special friends. We were ready to fly back to Madang, when I had a phone conversation that I would wish on nobody. My brother Tom had taken his life. It brought new meaning to the word “horrible,” into our lives. We buried our mom just over a year ago. You know, even though mom would have turned 93 just six weeks after she took her last breath, we sort of “expected” it. I say, “sort of,” because when it happened, that final breath, it seemed unreal. She had pulled through every other time, surely she would this time too… right? 

No. 

That was the minute that I (we) learned the new and painfully real meaning of the word “final.” Not one more word would be exchanged between me and my mom this side of heaven. 

Not.one.

After Suzy and I took our mom’s ashes to be buried with dad’s at Ft. Logan National Cemetery in Colorado, I spent time with Jennie in Ohio, then went to PNG. More like, I ran back to PNG.

I used to be a runner, not physically, just “when the going got tough” I ran. That is part of what led me to be the (former) woman at the well. There is no benefit to this kind of running. 

I didn’t “deal with” moms death. I tried to run away from it, but the funny thing about trying to outrun your emotions is ~ they always catch up. I had a bit of a breakdown before I left PNG for Cairns, but on January 3, 2019, my entire world came crashing down on me. 

When I pray, I like to say the names of those I pray for. I had finally gotten to the point where, when I knelt down to pray, where I would go through, Jennie, Robert, Robbie, Mason, EJ … I could continue without saying “mom” before praying for “Bill, Tom, Suzy…” Old habits are hard to break. I knelt down after traveling over 31 hours to get to Florida. I managed to not automatically pray for mom, but then when I said “Bill,” I freaked out because the next name “should be Tom.” It was horrible. He was gone from this life.

Not.one.more.word will pass between us on earth.

I only had a sentence of information to keep me company on those flights, so I did not arrive in a healthy state of mind. My world crashed around me. I have felt darkness and depression before, but nothing prepared me for the onslaught of what came next. I’ve been in counseling since shortly after my arrival; actually beginning in Florida. I’m still in it.

My Brother Tom

We had a nice memorial for Tom in a park just days after I arrived. Many of the people who love him were able to attend, many didn’t make it due to different reasons. Then on March 1st we had a beautiful and honorable military funeral for him and laid his ashes to rest in a national cemetery in Florida. He deserved this honor. Once a Marine, always a Marine. I loved my big brother and I miss him. We all do. I wish we had known “just how down” he felt. This could have been avoided (at least I think so in my heart). If you ever have thoughts of suicide, call me!! Call someone!! If a loved one mentions suicide in any way – deal with it! Don’t ignore it or brush it under the rug. Sometimes it ends like my brother’s life. There is a way out of that deep darkness.

Mary Ann, a friend that I met in Bali when we did our PBT Care Team training, (you remember the photo of the monkey on my head, right??), told me something that helped her and her family get through her brother’s suicide. I will tweak it as I hear her sentence regarding Tom. I feared with my entire being, the desperation and incredible loneliness that he must have felt to actually do this. 

“Tom wasn’t alone. Jesus was there. He was there, on the side of the bed, until He took my big brother Home with Him to Heaven.” 

Thank you, Mary Ann. I rest in this fact. I will see my family and friends again when I get to heaven. I look forward to it.

Until then, and most importantly, right now, I am working toward dealing with these very intimate deaths, and getting my emotions where they should be, so that I can do the work that the Lord has asked of me. 

Thank you for all of your love and concerns and especially for your continued prayers! I appreciate you ❤️

Prayer requests:

• Continued healing for me and my family. This has shattered us. There is dysfunction and we need God to heal us.
• For each of us individually, as we learn how to live without mom and Tom.
• For the emotional healing needed for each of us to do the Lord’s will in our lives.

Thank you for partnering with what the Lord is doing in and through our lives in PNG. I literally couldn’t be there without you!